I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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