Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
