Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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