shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
