I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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