Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
