he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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