I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
