I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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