he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
tell me about the eggs
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
