never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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