I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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