Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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