If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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