I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize