areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize