Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
