I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
