i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
And then my night got REAL pukey
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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