he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
