I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
