my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
