batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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