Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
