omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
