connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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