So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
