I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
