I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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