just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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