you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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