Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
