Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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