I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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