he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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