Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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