The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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