My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
