Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
