It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
