Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
