I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize