that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
