If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
