Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
