you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
