I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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