I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize