well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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