I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
my shit smells like andre
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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