The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
