he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
