I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
