we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
