I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
