Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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