I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
