Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
