You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
