haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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